There is something incredibly funny/sad/wrong about my baking experience in the kitchen of Palazzo Josamina today.
Considering I spent last year and most of this year toiling away on a cookbook, today's chapter suggests /confirms I am a fraud.
If it wasn't so damn funny I wouldn't even write this - but even I can see the humour in the fails of today. Fail. Fail. Fail.
So here's how it goes - I put my hand up to whip up some gf baking for Monty's sports day at his new school.
Three loads of caramel chocolate slice to be precise.
It started out ok - I didn't drop the pans getting them out of the cupboard. Pretty much went to custard pretty soon later (!). (And there was no call for custard in this recipe - it was all my own doing).
I decided to use my (newish) Thermomagic to weigh all the butter - we were talking about 50,000 grams for three slices - so I dug about in the fridge and got all the odds and ends of butter out. Perfect, had just enough. I left it sitting there and got on with something else - involving a cup of tea and gossip with a gf if I recall.
Back to the slices. The base requires coconut. Monty abhors coconut (so he says). The fact he'll eat anything cooked with coconut cream etc makes his aversion in my eyes all a bit 'whatever, talk to the hand' if you ask me. I got out the coconut.
I decided to be smart and whizz up the shredded coconut until it was so super duper fine he would not even detect it in the base - so with 'I am so smart arse' abandon, I threw it all in the thermie(not so)magic and hit whizz.
1 sec later (yup - they really are amazing machines)I took off the lid and said hello to a strange gluggy sludge.
Shite - slap in the head - I forgot to take out the butter. The butter that was still wrapped in paper and foil.
Shite. Shite. Shite.
With the idea of walking down to the shops upon me, I decided to be whizzy myself, and melt it all down then sift out the paper. (Ok desperation was kicking in - I know it wasn't a great idea).
Massive fail. And massive stoopid idea. Tipped the lot out.
Then, faced with melted butter all over the kitchen I reached for my trusty at the ready detol spray and gave the entire area a good old spray down with it.
Hmm - that's a funny smell. Checked bottle - had used the puppy's 'pee inside eradicator spray' by mistake!!! Nice one.
Cleaned kitchen again w detol spray.
Then headed out to the shops to acquire more butter - wilted but still determined for a tidy result.
Home. Nice one - locked myself out with oven still on. (Hope Capt Security B is NOT reading this).
Thanks be to God (and that nice new Pope) for a neighbour being home. I clambered over the gate to start afresh. (Yes Cpt Security - I left the back doors open to the courtyard!!!).
Note to self - surprisingly those docile ditzy do-dah dogs do bark at intruders. (In a 'have you got a treat' sort of way I might add). That's a good thing. And a big 'whatever talk to the hand' to the cranky neighbour upstairs who loathes the poor cute as anything little pooches. She's a nutter (and yes I do hope you ARE reading this).
Feeling the need to get this thing done - I went to make the caramel. Duh - forgot I needed butter for that too and no people I didn't think to buy enough of it.
Back off to the shops I dragged myself (with keys) this time. (And dogs to appease nutter.) Success. It'a all done and looking fabulous.
I really hope that boy of mine appreciates the effort I have gone to, making his gf slice - wow betide if he detects coconut in it.
The good thing is I am also starting to like the aroma of the pee eradicator spray in the kitchen.
Could someone please tell me how on earth I survived the year of the cookbook?!!!!!!
Ohh - and once we sample it - if I have used salt instead of sugar I will simply re-name it salted caramel slice and NOT stay for sport on Saturday.